Coming Out Day

Happy Coming Out Day!
A Paraphrased Queer Journey.

At age 10, I knew something was different to me than the other boys. By 14 I had some vocabulary to say at least, that I knew my gender did not match my body. I told my mother and my therapist… Guess how that turned out in the mid 1990’s…

At 17 I decided to come out as Gay, seemed logical, people perceived me as male, even if I don’t, but I enjoy guys more so I’ll come out as gay then (I had such a sheltered mormon upbringing that I still didn’t know what ‘Bi’ or ‘Pan’ was). Luckily my biological family had already ostracized me for questioning their faith and I had already been moved out of home, so I had minimal contact with them.

At 26 when I moved to Australia, I decided to start defending my identity more and came out as Bi, much to my friends multitude of ill jokes.

At 27 a relationship ended with me refusing to share my “secret” with my partner at the time (me being trans), was accused of many vicious things and I ended up homeless under a bridge. To this day, despite the traumas, I still think I made the right call to let myself choose when to come out. It wasn’t the first time and wasn’t the last time I was pressured to come out unwillingly.

At 28 I wanted to start exploring my gender identity more and “testing the waters” by changing my name to a gender neutral one, Taylor. With much disgust and dislike from my biological family even though my new legal name had more family connection in it.

At 29, I started volunteering in the fetish community, not only to learn more about my own body, but also to help foster safe spaces I could maybe come out of the trans closet some day.

At 31, I started my academic research work into sex & diversity. Primarily in the fetish of the Puppy Play Community. Which I still do to this day.

At 33 I said enough is enough to my biological family extreme religious bigotry and never saw or spoke to them again after a hurtful final Christmas dinner.

At 34 in 2020, during our pandemic lockdowns it reached a dysphoria boiling point and had to trust that things will work out. I came out of the Transgender closet and started HRT.

I am still learning what comes next, there is no master plan. But sometimes the story doesn’t end, there’s just another chapter.
Happy Coming Out Day!

35

Today I turn 35, so here’s a present for you all. Photos and comparing a year ago to now. No need for gifts, just extra hugs next time you see me post-lockdown.

Last March at the start of covid mayhem, I started a few creative projects to fill up my time, including snapping a selfie at the same angle once a day and someday compile them into an animation. Little did I know it’ll document me coming out and being in hrt.

A lots happened since this time last year to say the least 🤣 at this time last year I was in an unhealthy environment including living in an asbestos filled backyard shed and now I’m living somewhere else where I can express my hobbies and more about who I am.

While great things like coming out of the closet, beginning my transitioning and publishing a book have happened too. No year is without ups and downs.

Also unexpected things like the 4 admissions of hospitalisation in 2021 so far, which I’m still trying to recover from, and that storm isn’t over yet. I want to take the chance to say thank you to everyone who has been involved in my crisis. I would not be alive today without you all.

2021 Writing Schedule

So 1 book published this year, but what’s next?

5 more actually between now and 2022 😃

1) Canis Major – The BIG Pup Play project: Taking a few months break between end of interviews and research and its final development. Launch expected in late 2022

2) Canis Minor 2nd Ed. – The Academic Research Project: This will be a culmination in the 2017 & 2019 data before its donated to the University of Sunderland to continue this valuable research. Focus at the moment is on the peer reviewed articles about it we are trying to get into academic journals.

3) Adaptive Explorer – Exploring With Disabilities Magazine: Still in its early days, scouting out and reviewing locations at the moment, first issue is planned for later in 2021

4) Qianlong’s Beijing – Non-Fiction Ancient Chinese City Atlas: Final proof in being completed now. This 10year academic research project should be out by the end of 2021

5) There Is No Yellow Brick Road – Gender Biomythography: Recently inspired to write my own biomythography about my gender journey in life. A mix of biographical events with creative writings and personal philosophies that shape my gender identity and journey. Very early in its development, but the image below is its draft creative brief of its content warnings from the biographical standpoint. Will be a very raw story and hopefully help other trans folk as hearing about others have helped me

3 Months On HRT

Today marks 3 months on HRT. Thought I’d take the opportunity to share the experience of the journey so far.

March 2020

Last March was a turning point for me in many ways, I was at the tail end of recovering from a bad concussion, moved house and found out that things the real estate agent didn’t tell us made it impossible to make it wheelchair accessible enough so I was burning out so much it looked like I was on hard drugs.

By August I reached a tipping point and spent a whole weekend in panic attack mode deciding if I should come out as trans or not, in the end, the most selfish and best decision in my entire life.

I used to be chronically totally absorbed into helping others in a classic PTSD-coping way while I volunteered in VIC-PAH at the detriment to my own desires and goals. But after some traumatic and toxic actions towards me, I had to pull away to keep myself safe. But this taught me a valuable lesson that prepared me for coming out and reaffirmed I can defend my personal core values of inclusivity and help supporting safe spaces for self expression in my (now more obvious) mother hen kind of way.

“Toxic people will provoke you until they make an ugly side to exist, then play victim when you have no choice but to respond”

~Unknown
Nov 2020 – Just Started HRT

In a full circle kind of way, it helped prepare me for those who just offered lip-service to appear inclusive in the public eye. Found those who I thought I were friends but they were more interested in using me or my position in the community. Or, my favourite, those who insisted they know me so well, but never saw it coming. luckily a lot of those people have already left my personal circles.

But it also meant those who have stayed around and gotten to learn who I am in and out of the pup scene, have been loyal and supportive and I cant thank those people enough!

“I would rather adjust to someone’s absence in my life, than adjust my boundaries to accommodate their disrespect.”

~Unknown

November 2020, just after hospital I began hormone therapy and oh boy its been a rollercoaster, added into the mix of beginning transitioning in the middle of this pandemic has made it extra challenging. (but anyone who knows me, knows I regularly rise up to a challenge)

Feb 2021 – 3 Months on HRT

3 Months Later, Today! Changes I’ve felt internally and externally have been very whole-making. Like adding one of the last pieces to a jigsaw puzzle, not climatic but relieving to do. I’m not saying it has been easy, its easily the most challenging thing I’ve done in my life so far and I’ve already been through a lot!

There’s always lots about me that has never made it onto social media. But I do enjoy using some of my experiences for others to draw advice and ideas for themselves and I hope it helps others not feel as alone in their own journeys in life.

“Do not mistake composure for ease”

~ Tuvok
March 2019 – Classic
Closeted Taylor

You’ll still see me out in the fetish community events, wearing my classic camo pants and leather shirt. Someday I’ll share my coming out story and journey when I’m ready. And as always, be you and work on future you. It’s the best F— Y– to attack what others call you behind your back!