Archenar’s Illumination

a poem by myself

There are many days I feel all alone,
no matter how large the hug or forest I am in.

There are many days I don’t know if I’ll see the next,
no matter the help I get with my monsters.

There are many days I believe more in the potential
of others than in my own,
no matter how deep I am grounded within myself..

No matter how bad I get or how lost I feel,
I wish I could promise to hold onto hope.

I want to be greater than what I suffer,
because in the darkness,
there can be… discovery,
there can be… possibility,
there can be… freedom,
once somebody illuminates it.

I still share my darkness and my illuminations through my life,
because that act can unconsciously give others the strength and
inspiration to do the same for those who crave to overcome
their own monsters.

Notes:
– Poem named after the only star I could see through the window during my first of 5 clinical admissions during this PTSD crisis.
– After reading, if you’d like, listen the song “Dona Nobis Pacem 2” by Max Richter. As I feel it has a strong emotional connection to the spirit of the poem.
– Artwork made by myself, vector art based off photo references of a misty path through a forest in Ireland.

Recovery And Pounamu

Happy Story at the End: I’m back home now from hospital for 5 days now, Recovering in some ways. Complications in others. So how’s it going?

I’m having pretty severe PTSD flashback episodes at the moment. They are a complete disconnect in a daze with no triggers starting them, they just start randomly. Me trapped in a nightmare of a past traumatic event, even when someone calls out to me, I don’t hear them and don’t snap out of it till I’m actually nudged by someone.
A few nights ago I had one for 45mins 😒 which is making recovery post-hospital challenging as I fall into these episodes even when happily distracting myself with my book writing or even during my PC games.

And when I do get to snap out of it, I’m totally disoriented on where I am briefly, and suddenly eternity of a nightmare feels like not a second has passed, which makes it more disorienting (especially when in a moving car, me not driving of course).

After discharge from hospital, we have had professional supports keeping an eye on me during my recovery every few days but all this would not be possible without my friends. So here’s another BIG SHOUT OUT to all my friends who have been thru this crisis with me. My friends that are local, rural, interstate and overseas have all banded together and I will always eternally grateful to help me pass through PTSD crisis, supporting without judgement 🥰


On a happy note though. This (literal) gem arrived!

Many people don’t know my strong sense of personal spirituality and my cultural connection to my homeland and to the natural world. Mainly because it’s never become a conversation topic. But there are many ways I want to express that, this is one of the big ones for me!

This Is a New Zealand Greenstone Koru shaped carving with the stone sourced from the Ngāi Tahu Iwi (tribe) in South Island, NZ; and carved in Rotorua. Im a personal believer (for me, no pressure on others) it would need to be gifted than just bought for myself. I used to wear a Toki but was given by an abusive ex so I stopped wearing it in 2010 when I got out of that situation.

Greenstone has a cool property that you don’t need to take it off at all, the natural oils in your skin natural absorb into it and make the stone shine and gloss more the longer you wear it. Spiritually in some ways, an act of bringing your Wairua (spirit) deeper into it, in turn, becoming much more part of the story of me as I am of it.

While I am not Maori myself, I’m one proud of my cultural upbringing and proud to represent it in as much of a respectful way as possible. I grew up at primary school learning basic te reo (Maori language), sining, pōwhiri dancing, Haka, learning creation myths and even got to the start of learning how to interpret their proto-language that was woven into their Marae’s (meeting houses) and writing creative Taniwha fiction in my teenage years, and so on.

Now that I have been opening up more of myself to others, you’ll see more of my Kiwiana expressed as I continue transitioning 😁 you may get to see more of my traditional Maori singing, or my Korowai cloak being designed, amongst other things. *Gets excited*

C-PTSD Crisis

Disheveled Early In Admission

My C-PTSD crisis relapsed and I was readmitted back into hospital again almost two weeks ago with memory-loss and panic attack flare-ups from trauma mainly from past abuse, homelessness and other unmentionable things.

I have started recovering again and while this stay will be longer than the last one, this time mistakes from the last discharge have been resolved and more supports are being put in place now to make sure I can come home for good and in a better space than ever soon enough.

I been having some cathartic healing with the trauma that happened to me while I was in vicpah and my pack, old painful friendships have had some closures and some with healing. While been working with a psych about what happened to me when I was homeless before I joined the pup scene.

I am so thankful of everyone who has helped me through this crisis and I could not have survived through this without all your help directly and indirectly.

I am still healing and not out of the woods yet, I am working hard on getting better and setting up safety plans. C-PTSD is a complex beast that’s like your home covered in invisible mouse traps for an indeterminate amount of time, some triggers known, some come as a total surprise as what happened when I rejoined vicpah in early March.

Thank you again for everyone being there for me. To know I have friends who will drop things to help a friend in crisis and even the smallest help all has truly added up and that’s helped me heal through this faster. Someday I’ll go into more details (since I am writing a biographical book of my gender journey 🤣) but for now, thank you for respecting my need of privacy when I’m unable to answer your questions.