Today I turn 35, so here’s a present for you all. Photos and comparing a year ago to now. No need for gifts, just extra hugs next time you see me post-lockdown.
Last March at the start of covid mayhem, I started a few creative projects to fill up my time, including snapping a selfie at the same angle once a day and someday compile them into an animation. Little did I know it’ll document me coming out and being in hrt.
A lots happened since this time last year to say the least at this time last year I was in an unhealthy environment including living in an asbestos filled backyard shed and now I’m living somewhere else where I can express my hobbies and more about who I am.
While great things like coming out of the closet, beginning my transitioning and publishing a book have happened too. No year is without ups and downs.
Also unexpected things like the 4 admissions of hospitalisation in 2021 so far, which I’m still trying to recover from, and that storm isn’t over yet. I want to take the chance to say thank you to everyone who has been involved in my crisis. I would not be alive today without you all.
Today marks 3 months on HRT. Thought I’d take the opportunity to share the experience of the journey so far.
Last March was a turning point for me in many ways, I was at the tail end of recovering from a bad concussion, moved house and found out that things the real estate agent didn’t tell us made it impossible to make it wheelchair accessible enough so I was burning out so much it looked like I was on hard drugs.
By August I reached a tipping point and spent a whole weekend in panic attack mode deciding if I should come out as trans or not, in the end, the most selfish and best decision in my entire life.
I used to be chronically totally absorbed into helping others in a classic PTSD-coping way while I volunteered in VIC-PAH at the detriment to my own desires and goals. But after some traumatic and toxic actions towards me, I had to pull away to keep myself safe. But this taught me a valuable lesson that prepared me for coming out and reaffirmed I can defend my personal core values of inclusivity and help supporting safe spaces for self expression in my (now more obvious) mother hen kind of way.
“Toxic people will provoke you until they make an ugly side to exist, then play victim when you have no choice but to respond”
In a full circle kind of way, it helped prepare me for those who just offered lip-service to appear inclusive in the public eye. Found those who I thought I were friends but they were more interested in using me or my position in the community. Or, my favourite, those who insisted they know me so well, but never saw it coming. luckily a lot of those people have already left my personal circles.
But it also meant those who have stayed around and gotten to learn who I am in and out of the pup scene, have been loyal and supportive and I cant thank those people enough!
“I would rather adjust to someone’s absence in my life, than adjust my boundaries to accommodate their disrespect.”
November 2020, just after hospital I began hormone therapy and oh boy its been a rollercoaster, added into the mix of beginning transitioning in the middle of this pandemic has made it extra challenging. (but anyone who knows me, knows I regularly rise up to a challenge)
3 Months Later, Today! Changes I’ve felt internally and externally have been very whole-making. Like adding one of the last pieces to a jigsaw puzzle, not climatic but relieving to do. I’m not saying it has been easy, its easily the most challenging thing I’ve done in my life so far and I’ve already been through a lot!
There’s always lots about me that has never made it onto social media. But I do enjoy using some of my experiences for others to draw advice and ideas for themselves and I hope it helps others not feel as alone in their own journeys in life.
“Do not mistake composure for ease”
You’ll still see me out in the fetish community events, wearing my classic camo pants and leather shirt. Someday I’ll share my coming out story and journey when I’m ready. And as always, be you and work on future you. It’s the best F— Y– to attack what others call you behind your back!