What Does A Major PTSD Relapse Look Like?

CW: Heavy Mental Health, PTSD, Hospitals, Dissociation, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempts

Me in Hospital Jan ’22

It’s a demon that can lurk in a box for years then consume your life with little warning. A PTSD relapse is something uncommon that happens to those with PTSD or C-PTSD where a small trigger or a flashback can snowball and reduce your mental health to being in “crisis” mode as if one of the major traumas happened again freshly.

For me the initial trigger was small, I was re-joining the local pup play social groups in March ’21 after a two year break, but trauma from the few individuals that hurt me last time flashed-back and snowballed. Within a week I was depressed, in tears for no reason for most of the day with flashbacks from all through my life and dissociate the rest of the day away. Within a few weeks I was getting caught saying goodbye to my puppy, writing final letters to friends and trying to hang myself; and this is when hospital stays and seeking professional help started to get involved.

My mind was a hurricane in a teacup, my sensory processing went into high overdrive where my dog barking would trigger a panic attack and I would need to hide in a dark quiet room for most of the day. My mind would relive traumas from childhood to the most recent ones, without me wishing or needing to think about them and my partner would regularly find me screaming either in terror or in pain from sheer overwhelmedness.

When a panic attack would overwhelm me, no friend, partner, nurse or specialist could help me out, I’d become a crying ball on the ground with no awareness of my surroundings and usually hit the worst when I start punching myself in the head with them lasting 20mins – 3 hours.

I’d go without food for weeks at a time and sometimes sleep 20 hours one day then not sleep for 5 days. No routines of homelife, creative hobbies or work left in my life with only partner and my closest friends to hold my hand to remind me that we will get through all of this together.

I’d dissociate so bad and disconnect from myself it would be as if I would sleepwalk and try to escape the house at night, which usually ended up with me having a fall as the ‘zoned out’ didn’t use my mobility equipment. This meant I had to be locked up at night with location tracking on just for my basic safety.

Chronic nightmares turned into night terrors where I would take a quiet nap in the afternoon and once my partner comes back from walking the dog, im screaming and thrashing around on the bed with a look of terror on my face. Terrified to go to sleep for night terrors, and scared to be awake from flashbacks and triggers.

I was lucky to find an EMDR therapist by June ’21 and begin the process of working through past traumas while I was regularly in and out of hospital. For anyone with trauma, big or small, I can’t recommend EMDR enough; I was sceptical of it at first, it’s a moving blinking light and you don’t talk much but after personally trying it as we crack the shell that contains my past, I would recommend it for anyone it’s suited for. Not only does it help ‘greyscale’ traumatic memories in a was you can process them without the emotional strings attached, but it’s helped me uncover my childhood and its garbled set of memories, I’m coming out of it as a more complete and understood person for myself, which is a win for anyone to achieve.

Walking Stick

July came around with good news, one of the treatments I started was CBD oil. This was an unexpected boost to my mobility. Beforehand I would have to use crutches around the house and the wheelchair when out and about. Now I can walk an entire kilometre assisted and my pain tolerance has improved drastically. This means if there’s a small trip out of the house to a single store, I can choose to walk with my stick and braces! It’s not only just wheelchair-bound for me anymore.

Learn more about the walking stick by clicking here.

November’s hospital admission was the worst of the worst, we had found a private psychiatrist to help me out, but instead of focusing on trauma, he focused on my sporadic weed consumption and without telling me put me in the addictions psych unit which I left after a week of the psychiatrist triggering the worst panic attacks in my life. Shortly after, with a mix of exhaustion from not being listened to and my therapist helping me reveal hidden forgotten childhood traumas, I lost my voice and my body decided to become nonverbal.

It’s not something someone can just choose to do, it makes a golf ball feeling in your throat and any attempt at talking with your vocal cords just hits a roadblock or stutters too much to have any kind of conversation. The doctors think this is another symptom linked to my traumas and not permanent; My partner and I have spent a few months having to adjust to this new way of life and I’ve grown some quick fingers to type as fast as I can on my phone to reply to people so I can still have conversations. This started in mid November and it’s already early February and its still daily hurdles, it’s made me a much better listener but I still miss every day being able to communicate as much as I used to.

Learn more about my experiences of being nonverbal by clicking here.

More Routines, $150/month worth

By December and January hospital admissions, this time I had been in hospital 6 times already for my mental health to either keep me safe or to monitor me with new medication regimes. Things started to turn around, not only with progress with therapy but I finally found a trauma-informed and trained psychiatrist willing to treat me for the situation I’m in. With his help and working with my therapist, we found a new medication routine for me, not just to help with depression but also to help nightmares, sleeping and dissociation issues.

I am now doing better though, with the major crisis issues managed, a support network of friends and professional supports. I can’t keep pretending how my past traumas have impacted me on a daily basis anymore and my therapist is working hard helping me learn a way of going through life with what I know now. This has been my third and worst PTSD relapse I’ve had in my life but I am much more prepared into what’s next and to make sure if I have another relapse, I’ll have a support network ready to jump in to help.

Archenar’s Illumination

a poem by myself

There are many days I feel all alone,
no matter how large the hug or forest I am in.

There are many days I don’t know if I’ll see the next,
no matter the help I get with my monsters.

There are many days I believe more in the potential
of others than in my own,
no matter how deep I am grounded within myself..

No matter how bad I get or how lost I feel,
I wish I could promise to hold onto hope.

I want to be greater than what I suffer,
because in the darkness,
there can be… discovery,
there can be… possibility,
there can be… freedom,
once somebody illuminates it.

I still share my darkness and my illuminations through my life,
because that act can unconsciously give others the strength and
inspiration to do the same for those who crave to overcome
their own monsters.

– Poem named after the only star I could see through the window during my first of 5 clinical admissions during this PTSD crisis.
– After reading, if you’d like, listen the song “Dona Nobis Pacem 2” by Max Richter. As I feel it has a strong emotional connection to the spirit of the poem.
– Artwork made by myself, vector art based off photo references of a misty path through a forest in Ireland.

Recovery And Pounamu

Happy Story at the End: I’m back home now from hospital for 5 days now, Recovering in some ways. Complications in others. So how’s it going?

I’m having pretty severe PTSD flashback episodes at the moment. They are a complete disconnect in a daze with no triggers starting them, they just start randomly. Me trapped in a nightmare of a past traumatic event, even when someone calls out to me, I don’t hear them and don’t snap out of it till I’m actually nudged by someone.
A few nights ago I had one for 45mins 😒 which is making recovery post-hospital challenging as I fall into these episodes even when happily distracting myself with my book writing or even during my PC games.

And when I do get to snap out of it, I’m totally disoriented on where I am briefly, and suddenly eternity of a nightmare feels like not a second has passed, which makes it more disorienting (especially when in a moving car, me not driving of course).

After discharge from hospital, we have had professional supports keeping an eye on me during my recovery every few days but all this would not be possible without my friends. So here’s another BIG SHOUT OUT to all my friends who have been thru this crisis with me. My friends that are local, rural, interstate and overseas have all banded together and I will always eternally grateful to help me pass through PTSD crisis, supporting without judgement 🥰

On a happy note though. This (literal) gem arrived!

Many people don’t know my strong sense of personal spirituality and my cultural connection to my homeland and to the natural world. Mainly because it’s never become a conversation topic. But there are many ways I want to express that, this is one of the big ones for me!

This Is a New Zealand Greenstone Koru shaped carving with the stone sourced from the Ngāi Tahu Iwi (tribe) in South Island, NZ; and carved in Rotorua. Im a personal believer (for me, no pressure on others) it would need to be gifted than just bought for myself. I used to wear a Toki but was given by an abusive ex so I stopped wearing it in 2010 when I got out of that situation.

Greenstone has a cool property that you don’t need to take it off at all, the natural oils in your skin natural absorb into it and make the stone shine and gloss more the longer you wear it. Spiritually in some ways, an act of bringing your Wairua (spirit) deeper into it, in turn, becoming much more part of the story of me as I am of it.

While I am not Maori myself, I’m one proud of my cultural upbringing and proud to represent it in as much of a respectful way as possible. I grew up at primary school learning basic te reo (Maori language), sining, pōwhiri dancing, Haka, learning creation myths and even got to the start of learning how to interpret their proto-language that was woven into their Marae’s (meeting houses) and writing creative Taniwha fiction in my teenage years, and so on.

Now that I have been opening up more of myself to others, you’ll see more of my Kiwiana expressed as I continue transitioning 😁 you may get to see more of my traditional Maori singing, or my Korowai cloak being designed, amongst other things. *Gets excited*

C-PTSD Crisis

Disheveled Early In Admission

My C-PTSD crisis relapsed and I was readmitted back into hospital again almost two weeks ago with memory-loss and panic attack flare-ups from trauma mainly from past abuse, homelessness and other unmentionable things.

I have started recovering again and while this stay will be longer than the last one, this time mistakes from the last discharge have been resolved and more supports are being put in place now to make sure I can come home for good and in a better space than ever soon enough.

I been having some cathartic healing with the trauma that happened to me while I was in vicpah and my pack, old painful friendships have had some closures and some with healing. While been working with a psych about what happened to me when I was homeless before I joined the pup scene.

I am so thankful of everyone who has helped me through this crisis and I could not have survived through this without all your help directly and indirectly.

I am still healing and not out of the woods yet, I am working hard on getting better and setting up safety plans. C-PTSD is a complex beast that’s like your home covered in invisible mouse traps for an indeterminate amount of time, some triggers known, some come as a total surprise as what happened when I rejoined vicpah in early March.

Thank you again for everyone being there for me. To know I have friends who will drop things to help a friend in crisis and even the smallest help all has truly added up and that’s helped me heal through this faster. Someday I’ll go into more details (since I am writing a biographical book of my gender journey 🤣) but for now, thank you for respecting my need of privacy when I’m unable to answer your questions.