Mourning for My Masculinity

 It’s a strange thing to say “mourning for my masculinity”, makes me curl my top lip in disgust to be honest. But it’s true. I feel a mourning for it leaving, I don’t know why my mind has chosen to feel this way other than I do.

Yeah, there are moments in my life where I did pay full attention to presenting masculine, and moments where it felt more natural, like a ballet dancer doing a well rehearsed piece, yet doing it on a sandy beach.

In the end, I do expect me to shed a tear or two over the end of presenting male, but not in a sad way. It has been after all how i have presented around people for almost my entire life intentionally. It’s not a facade, that is who I was then on the outside, and this is who I am now, and those two things are different, but still stories worth sharing nonetheless. 

I don’t feel ashamed of my male presenting side, I stayed true to myself in other ways of focusing on helping others, getting my hands dirty with the thankless tasks and still stand on the stage to inspire people to be okay to explore their own identity. and goals in life. I stayed as honest as I could be to others and keep myself transparent in other ways.

I do plan and hope to get closure over this chapter of my life that’s ending, but I don’t see this as a bad thing, I see it as setting the boat off to float away. Im smiling on the inside, thankful for the journey so far (it has been for most of my entire life after all, we all mourn the passing or leaving of the familiar in our own ways) but glad to now be starting this new chapter.

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